A Liquidator's guide through Insolvency

With new horror scenarios being published almost daily, Greece's state of emergency has nurtured chronically puffy eyes after sleepless nights among European politicians. To pay off all of its debt, Greece would need 300 billion Euros immediately – seemingly, it's a lost cause. However, there is hope for you, dear Greeks (and for all those politicians who really need to get some rest). By following six simple steps, you can easily overcome the crisis, pay back all the debt and in the end have the most solvent European state of all, with no national deficit whatsoever...

1. Sell


With nearly 10,000 islands you surely have enough off-shore territory you could spare. But let's not talk about leasing small rocks to crazy movie stars – you need to think about selling on a grand scale. Now that everyone has been to Mallorca, the Spanish island has gone out of fashion. With British and German tourists already searching for the new hotspot for sunbathing and getting wasted on the beach, this might be the perfect timing to get rid of Crete. Other European states would be more than happy to gain territory in the Mediterranean Sea. The island would still be part of the European Union, so your citizens wouldn't even have to move. Basically, nothing would change, as Greeks could carry on running lucrative hotels there. Moreover, fixing the price around the normal rates for land in Greece, the deal would get you more than a third of the money needed. And probably you wouldn't miss this earthquake-prone area after all.

Sum: 80,000,000,000 Euro

2. Charge


The ancient Greeks developed fascinating theorems and philosophies which are still valued all over the world. However, no one ever thanked you for your ancestors' brilliancy. Now it's time you finally demanded due respect for their work. As these cultural imprints mark many aspects of modern life, descendents of Ancient Greece's masterminds should charge fees for the use of intellectual property. By registering them as trademarks you might get a share in every school book, university script and novel mentioning Pythagoras, Euclid, Aristotle, Plato and all the other geniuses. This would not only provide a huge amount of money for the moment, but also ensure you a steady income in the future.

Short-term profit: 9,500,000,000 Euros

Long-term profit: Trillions

3. Lure


To heal a struggling economy, attracting foreign investors is always a good way to pull in some capital. And you have a great deal to offer: you will provide them with free material. How so? Tell them they could use all the old stones lying around at the Acropolis, Delphi and Epidaurus. As no one lives there nowadays, you surely don't need them anymore and they could be used for dozens of buildings. If only half of the people searching for work found a job because of this strategy, Greece would save 1.2 billion Euros per annum currently paid as unemployment benefit. Also, people are generally more content working than staying at home all day and their income would increase noticeably. This would save even more money which is currently needed to calm riots and clean up afterwards. On top of that, the state would collect more taxes than before. New and futuristic buildings might also become a tourist attraction for all those half-rotten columns which people are so tired of.

Earning: 15,000,000,000 Euros

4. Blackmail


The European Union refuses to give you any aid and some politicians are even thinking aloud about throwing you out. Why not turn the tables on them by threatening to opt out of the Monetary Union? At first glance some states might be glad about that, but not long if you impose your conditions. You were the ones to invent Europa and to pay homage to you, Greek letters are on every note. Leaving the Monetary Union, you would surely take those letters with you and thus force the European Central Bank to reprint about 12 billion notes currently in circulation. Also, you may claim some compensation for the denomination "Euro". Considering this, the other members will either have to buy you out or they will have to beg you to stay – which you would only do if there was some kind of reward.

Expenses for the European Union: at least 500,000,000 Euros

5. Capture


Regarding Greece's bankruptcy, many experts now claim that you should have settled the fight against your huge national deficit ten years ago by providing some more radical measures. Well, in this seemingly endless battle for the beauty of solvency you, dear Greeks, should best know what to do: after ten years of unsuccessful fighting, maybe it is time for another Trojan horse. Looking for a fortress to assault these days which might hold the solution to your problems? In your case it might be useful to smuggle some modern Hellenic warriors into the leading Swiss banks. Some Trojans could get you all the information needed to discretely transfer credit to your own accounts. Plus, if you only conquered illicit money, no one would even be able to sue you afterwards. And as many European states hold a grudge against Switzerland, it is rather unlikely that the Union would impose any sanctions on you for this trick.

In total: 170,000,000,000 Euros - that is if you only found about a third of the illicit money purportedly hidden in the Alps.

6. Pray


Adding up the sums that may be gained by following the instructions given above, you will realise that 25,000,000,000 Euros are still missing. Regarding this, dear Greeks, you should rely on supernatural forces. Examining the variety of gods worshipped in the past, one cannot miss the fact that not one of them is responsible for finances and a balanced budget. As you may have noticed, these are major aspects of life; hence, it seems impossible that there is actually no god competent in that field. It is more likely that you ignored that god during the past centuries, which would also explain the current crisis: he is really mad at you right now. So why not finally give him the respect he deserves? He surely will be generous once you treat him right.

Value: Not measurable.

Illustrations by Kunti Berzinska

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